Sorrow

I remember being sent outside in my barbie doll pajamas to, once again, sit on those dreadful concrete steps as you and mom fought, screamed and threw things. Did you find that I wouldn't hear and feel the whole situation from my cold, lonely steps? The neighbors dare not look, as they already know what they will find: A lost little girl, crying to herself. It seems as though I should or just might feel sorry for myself, looking back at all these crystal clear memories, but it is you that i feel sorrow for. How I, of all people, can have sympathy for you, I will never quite understand. You did this to yourself, and to me and your family. Were we not good enough for you? Had you not the life you wanted? If so, then why not leave, as you were not trapped or held against any sort of will. You decided to stay and bring us down with you, yet It is not us I have sympathy for, but just you. Mom worked herself to sickness to provide for your kids, as you stole our money and sold what little we had. I'm so confused as to how your mind works, why you did the things you did, the things that hurt you just as much as it hurt us. I'm sorry you cannot have the life you maybe once hoped for and I'm sorry you lost yourself and your home. I am sorry you hurt your kids to the point where you lost them too. I'm sorry you are the way you are and im sorry you live the way you do. I just feel so sorry for you.

Mom,

You put me down so often its starting to feel like that's all you ever do. Your words hurt me so bad, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm hearing them come from you; Although I already know just half of what you say is true. You think I feel sorry for myself? Well that just shows how well you know me. Sorry, mom, I'm not identical to every other teenager in this world; I have no self pity. In fact, I don't believe I could care less of myself or my feelings. But thanks for basically saying I'm full of myself, thank you. You tell me I'm pathetic, that I'm going no where in life; Thanks for the reminder. Ive always felt so sorry not to be the daughter you wanted, but the more you hurt me.. the less I begin to care. Ive always stuck around and taken in what I'd rather not because I couldn't be selfish enough to take the easy way out and leave you to deal with my failure, but the more you hurt me.. the less it seems that you would even care. I don't know why you choose to say what you do, and I dont see any benefit of it either, but I'll just let you talk even when you don't realize I'm always listening. Everything youve ever said, Ive always taken in and kept in the back of my mind. I'd love for you to read this and know the truth, but knowing you, you would just be angered with me having my probably childish opinion; so I won't waste my breath, I'll let you keep talking, and I'll keep hearing what you always feel the need to say.

Honesty and Trust

Is it so hard to do the one thing I ask for, the one thing that I know I deserve, the one thing that I always do for you without question? So since you lied about this, does that mean you lied when you said how much I mattered, how important I was to you? What did I do to deserve this... I really wish i knew. I've been honest with you twenty four hours of each and every day, thinking I would easily get your honesty in return. Your secrets I have always kept. I don't even know who you are anymore. I trusted you with my life and shared with you what I had thought a real friend would respect and keep between them self and I. I'm done giving second chances when I clearly can't trust anyone. The human race is despicable and I'm ashamed to be a part of it. If I really meant anything to you, then I guess you just made yourself a mistake. When your ready to apologize, I'll be here to hear it, but to trust you I will not. My trust has no seconds chances and you knew that, but I guess you didn't care enough to risk losing it and I guess I don't care enough to risk letting you betray it again. I really did value you as a friend and you really did mean a lot to me, but I can't handle the drama, I can't handle knowing that I can't trust, I can't handle anymore of this. I'm sorry, but you will get over all of this, probably even easier than I, as I am the one to deal with my decision, not knowing of whether it was right of me or wrong, but knowing whats done is done. For once, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and in the long run, i think things might be better this way.

Trapped

Now I'm on my hands and knees begging for a way out, wondering why I was put into existence here in this world that I've come to hate so much. How can one find life so beautiful? Once your in, your stuck. One might think its as easy as finding your way out, but that just faults you with hurting others who care about you. How could you possibly do that with those constant guilty thoughts running through your mind? You don't understand how guilty I already feel by just wanting to die. I see life as something I need to get over with, which I cant even bear anymore. I see no future, nor do I even want to as I hate the past and present. How could things possibly ever change? I'm sick of feeling this way; it hurts so bad, but there's nothing I can do. These painful feelings will never go away; and I'm never going to be okay.

irremediable

It takes a lot for me to love; So much time, trust, and so much more courage. Every time I've given my heart away Ive gotten it back in pieces. You can only glue something back together so many times before your realize its just one of those things that won't stay together, something irremediable. The only time you'll be okay is when you forget what it's like to love and you can only imagine how long it would take to forget an emotion so tenacious and powerful. Love always seems so divine; It never ends as well, but always does end, leaving that agitating empty space within. I wish I could have the power to forget, but memory is what brings you to your future so remember to learn from your past and appreciate the fact that you now know.

Escape

Keep drinking your problems away until you cant even remember just one; Going off into your fantasy where anything is possible; Smoking your nerves numb so the pain can't be felt for a while. This is my escape from the real world. I'm sick of breathing in this air and dealing with all these people. Take notice that I say dealing with rather than enjoying. I can't even say I have a life anymore, Its revolved around school and then that leaves just enough time for daily chores and the irritating reminder of why I hate existing. I'm not saying I've got it extremely bad, although i have had a series of unfortunate events; We all have our downs, but ups or downs.. my opinion on life remains the same. Pointless. I'm stuck on the "We live, We die" point of view. I pretty much think life screws us all over numerous amounts of times and once your dead, well... thats it. I'm starting to find that a spirtitual after life would be just to hopeful of a thought. But remaining here, I struggle to deal with what im given with the crave of an escape always in my mind.

Tomorrow

I always see myself waiting for tomorrow and trying to get my day over with, not knowing of what's to come, but having hope that it will bring something good; A never ending chain of hope for tomorrow. When will the tomorrow i'm looking for come.. Or will it at all? What exactly am I even waiting for anyways? Something new maybe, something different. My life is too dull, too boring.. nothing spontaneous happening. Although i say this realizing that too much happens in my life So I'll rephrase that, something spontaneous that isn't bad news. I do find it odd that I'm bored with my life. I guess I'm just so used to too much going on.