Reality

Most people spend their entire lives looking for things that never have and never will exist. You would expect them to realize theyre living in a fantasy. I think you would call this hope? You'll find people searching for love, but the only time you ever see 'love' is in movies.. Then theres people who search for a doorway to a perfect life. Again, ive only ever seen such thing's in movies. Life is not perfect and life is not always what you expect it to be. Why spend your time having fictional hopes that will eventually be crushed with reality like everything else. In the long run your just hurting yourself, but isnt that what we always do? People expect too much out of life. How do you even know this universe was made for us? What make's you think we were ment to be happy? Enjoy your fantasy.. let's see how long it'll last. Im stuck in reality.

Compliments

Needless to say I often dont like myself, but this is me and i was ment to be this way. Recently ive discovered one of many causes that makes me feel the way i do. Im simply my own bully. I tell myself mean things that only make life more difficult. What better a cure than to turn those hurtful comments into compliments? No really, i need a better idea.. watch how this works out;

'Your beautiful.' -- 'Not always. Whats so great about beauty anyways? Its only skin deep and it just gets attention that you clearly cant handle.'

'Your intelligent.' -- 'What a waste of intelligence. Your life is too stressful to put the knowledge to a continuous use and your just stupid for letting it go to waste.'

'Your strong & bold.' --'its only because you have to be so you can keep moving on. Not to mention your anger issues are one of your hugest and most uncontrollable flaws.'

Hanging.On

I reluctantly bite my tongue every horrible minute of every day. Why do thing's only ever get worse and worse at an amazing pace? It's like someone is out to drive me crazy into a suicidal rage. I don't deserve this... I don't think. Just when things start to look better for a moment, as I manage to maintain an acceptable mood, bad news follows, burying me even deeper than before. All my walls have caved in and I will never be able to crawl my way out. There is no where to go from here. I'm stuck. I give up. Whoever you are, you win.. I give in. I've fought for as long as I could.. for my fifteen years to keep growing, but I don't know how much more I can take in. I've already taken my steps to the edge several times.. When will my bit of luck run out? When will I finally fall from this darkness to the end? I'm left here with no grasp on anything, barely managing to hang on. The harsh winds are blowing so aggresively, placing so much importance into my balance. The constant rain pours on top of me, weighing me down even more... I'm about to let go.

=]

Lately I've been feeling helpless and alone, even when people will attempt to convince how they care. Well, it takes time for things to sink in so I'm dedicating time to say how important those people are. In the end, They're truly what keeps me moving on. I'm not sure how or why, but when I decide to take a breather and concentrate, i always find myself remembering that my friend's are my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. A friend of mine once said "A lot of things happen to her and she doesn't deserve it". Thank you for making me feel that way and for giving me that sentence to lean back on when i need it. Simple actions and simple words make not so simple differences. I love you all so much and i'll always be here for you like you have been for me. You make difficult time's bareable and i appreciate it more than you'll ever understand. --ox

We're our own worse enemy

Earlier today I looked in the mirror with the frustration of my stressed out image. I stared with an angry daze and said "you're hideous". Out of all the people in the world, it's likely that you yourself are the one to hurt you most. When you discover your flaws it's as if receiving a rude remark except you know it's true and that it wasn't created to inflict sadness.. yet it does. It's something you would have normally ignored if it were to have been said by another. Have you ever called yourself a name? ...Ugly? ...Stupid? ...Pointless? Or maybe it would just be easier to ask who hasn't. Ive never actually noticed until now, we hurt ourselves most and this would certainly be provided by my last entry. We do find our self unimportant and that's not right.

Unimportance

Why do we find our own self completely unimportant? yet others like to disagree with that opinion... And i know they're not just disagreeing for any reason other than that they truly do disagree. i have disagreed with someone for saying they don't matter. Do we live for others? No, we live for ourselves. So i guess it doesn't matter if they disagree.. however, if i was on the other side i know I'd completely bitch myself out for saying this. I certainly would do everything in my power to prevent my friends for feeling this way, but not for myself. I'm in the -suicidal, i hate myself and my life- kinda mood...

ughh

I want to be able to say i love you and i want to hear you say it back. I do love you, and not being able to say so is making me go crazy. Why do i always want something i cant have.. Or something that is just going to screw me over in the end anyways, but hey.. thats nothing new. Maybe im stupid.... or maybe im STUPID! I cant fucking help it, i really really cant. Its almost as if I know what im getting myself into AGAIN, i knoww its gunna hurt me, and i know it would be best for me to avoid it, but i just cant and i dont know why.