Young love

Young love- Surely we've all seen it; it's everywhere. Quite honestly, I find it to be one of the most terrifying aspects of life. No matter what anyone says or does, They won't stop it from happening. Thus, two fall in love. Often, the aspiration in a relationship such as this is to find ones self comfortable enough to let down their guard, which has a tendency to create an even greater love. Throughout life people speak of and even witness love's ability to leave one blind. We're likely to have seen how proudly people claim to have their beloved become their everything, their life and world, their reason for living. So how can we expect them to move on when love fails them? How do they live when their reason for living is no longer there?

Without You

I'm so terribly sick of missing you and your love. Why can't I just let these feelings go? I've found it quite clear that our relationship is over and done... I've even let you alone. I find no moving on and see no turning back. It's so difficult to keep this mentality of letting go when you truly were my everything. And, still, there is so much I cannot understand. What is the real reason this has happened? Do you not feel me and my words genuine? ...Were yours? Despite whatever thought may cross my troubled mind, It will always be clear and simple that I am, and credibly will be, hurt without you.

Sonnenschein

Auf jeden Regen folgt auch Sonnenschein:
After every rainfall, there is a sunshine.

Ever since I was a little girl, this has been a saying that has always gotten me through the day and on to the next. Times will get tough and sometimes worse before they seem to get any better, but they always do get better.. whether it will last like that or not. After every horrible hardship that knocks you down, there is something great that will, once again, lift you up and bring a smile upon your face.. so have hope. Hope is what gives us strength and brings us to our dreams; it's what keeps us alive and moving towards our futures. To some people it may never seem as important as it really is, but its one of the many necessities in life. Don't lose hope.

Unmutual

I hate being loved. It's such an odd thing to hear someone say, but its exactly how I feel. I can't stand being so important to someone. Everyone likes me more than I even like myself, not that I'm sure as to why. I guess most people feel better about themselves when they're accepted by others, and I can understand that.. but, what happens when you don't like everyone else too, when things aren't mutual? People love me - I hate people... Yeah, its great. And there's also the enjoyment of turning down all the silly people who claim to have fallen in love with me. I'm just kidding, its not fun at all. I may sound hateful, but that's not all true. I have horrible guilt when someone is undeservedly hurt, especially when it's my fault, but what other choice do I have? Would it be better to pretend that I enjoy some one's presence when, in fact, it bothers me? Then it ends up that they like me more. What do I do then?

Mistakes

You make me want to live and without you I can't. You deserve so much better, I've said this all along; and sadly, now there's proof. The regret is eating me up inside like never before. I can't get this out of my mind. I've never kept anything from you and I don't want to start, but if I confess I know I'll lose you for good. I wouldn't have the audacity to beg you forgive me when it is no where near deserved. Every little thing you say to me brings me that much further down in my own guilt because i know that the truth is you should hate me and thinking of that hurts me so much more than i knew possible. You are so amazing to me and you've given up great girls for me while, unlike myself, they might actually deserve you. Ignorance is bliss, but lies and secrets have such short legs and this feels like it will haunt me for the rest of my life. If only we lived in a world where you could take back your mistakes.

Sorrow

I remember being sent outside in my barbie doll pajamas to, once again, sit on those dreadful concrete steps as you and mom fought, screamed and threw things. Did you find that I wouldn't hear and feel the whole situation from my cold, lonely steps? The neighbors dare not look, as they already know what they will find: A lost little girl, crying to herself. It seems as though I should or just might feel sorry for myself, looking back at all these crystal clear memories, but it is you that i feel sorrow for. How I, of all people, can have sympathy for you, I will never quite understand. You did this to yourself, and to me and your family. Were we not good enough for you? Had you not the life you wanted? If so, then why not leave, as you were not trapped or held against any sort of will. You decided to stay and bring us down with you, yet It is not us I have sympathy for, but just you. Mom worked herself to sickness to provide for your kids, as you stole our money and sold what little we had. I'm so confused as to how your mind works, why you did the things you did, the things that hurt you just as much as it hurt us. I'm sorry you cannot have the life you maybe once hoped for and I'm sorry you lost yourself and your home. I am sorry you hurt your kids to the point where you lost them too. I'm sorry you are the way you are and im sorry you live the way you do. I just feel so sorry for you.

Mom,

You put me down so often its starting to feel like that's all you ever do. Your words hurt me so bad, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm hearing them come from you; Although I already know just half of what you say is true. You think I feel sorry for myself? Well that just shows how well you know me. Sorry, mom, I'm not identical to every other teenager in this world; I have no self pity. In fact, I don't believe I could care less of myself or my feelings. But thanks for basically saying I'm full of myself, thank you. You tell me I'm pathetic, that I'm going no where in life; Thanks for the reminder. Ive always felt so sorry not to be the daughter you wanted, but the more you hurt me.. the less I begin to care. Ive always stuck around and taken in what I'd rather not because I couldn't be selfish enough to take the easy way out and leave you to deal with my failure, but the more you hurt me.. the less it seems that you would even care. I don't know why you choose to say what you do, and I dont see any benefit of it either, but I'll just let you talk even when you don't realize I'm always listening. Everything youve ever said, Ive always taken in and kept in the back of my mind. I'd love for you to read this and know the truth, but knowing you, you would just be angered with me having my probably childish opinion; so I won't waste my breath, I'll let you keep talking, and I'll keep hearing what you always feel the need to say.

Honesty and Trust

Is it so hard to do the one thing I ask for, the one thing that I know I deserve, the one thing that I always do for you without question? So since you lied about this, does that mean you lied when you said how much I mattered, how important I was to you? What did I do to deserve this... I really wish i knew. I've been honest with you twenty four hours of each and every day, thinking I would easily get your honesty in return. Your secrets I have always kept. I don't even know who you are anymore. I trusted you with my life and shared with you what I had thought a real friend would respect and keep between them self and I. I'm done giving second chances when I clearly can't trust anyone. The human race is despicable and I'm ashamed to be a part of it. If I really meant anything to you, then I guess you just made yourself a mistake. When your ready to apologize, I'll be here to hear it, but to trust you I will not. My trust has no seconds chances and you knew that, but I guess you didn't care enough to risk losing it and I guess I don't care enough to risk letting you betray it again. I really did value you as a friend and you really did mean a lot to me, but I can't handle the drama, I can't handle knowing that I can't trust, I can't handle anymore of this. I'm sorry, but you will get over all of this, probably even easier than I, as I am the one to deal with my decision, not knowing of whether it was right of me or wrong, but knowing whats done is done. For once, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and in the long run, i think things might be better this way.

Trapped

Now I'm on my hands and knees begging for a way out, wondering why I was put into existence here in this world that I've come to hate so much. How can one find life so beautiful? Once your in, your stuck. One might think its as easy as finding your way out, but that just faults you with hurting others who care about you. How could you possibly do that with those constant guilty thoughts running through your mind? You don't understand how guilty I already feel by just wanting to die. I see life as something I need to get over with, which I cant even bear anymore. I see no future, nor do I even want to as I hate the past and present. How could things possibly ever change? I'm sick of feeling this way; it hurts so bad, but there's nothing I can do. These painful feelings will never go away; and I'm never going to be okay.

irremediable

It takes a lot for me to love; So much time, trust, and so much more courage. Every time I've given my heart away Ive gotten it back in pieces. You can only glue something back together so many times before your realize its just one of those things that won't stay together, something irremediable. The only time you'll be okay is when you forget what it's like to love and you can only imagine how long it would take to forget an emotion so tenacious and powerful. Love always seems so divine; It never ends as well, but always does end, leaving that agitating empty space within. I wish I could have the power to forget, but memory is what brings you to your future so remember to learn from your past and appreciate the fact that you now know.

Escape

Keep drinking your problems away until you cant even remember just one; Going off into your fantasy where anything is possible; Smoking your nerves numb so the pain can't be felt for a while. This is my escape from the real world. I'm sick of breathing in this air and dealing with all these people. Take notice that I say dealing with rather than enjoying. I can't even say I have a life anymore, Its revolved around school and then that leaves just enough time for daily chores and the irritating reminder of why I hate existing. I'm not saying I've got it extremely bad, although i have had a series of unfortunate events; We all have our downs, but ups or downs.. my opinion on life remains the same. Pointless. I'm stuck on the "We live, We die" point of view. I pretty much think life screws us all over numerous amounts of times and once your dead, well... thats it. I'm starting to find that a spirtitual after life would be just to hopeful of a thought. But remaining here, I struggle to deal with what im given with the crave of an escape always in my mind.

Tomorrow

I always see myself waiting for tomorrow and trying to get my day over with, not knowing of what's to come, but having hope that it will bring something good; A never ending chain of hope for tomorrow. When will the tomorrow i'm looking for come.. Or will it at all? What exactly am I even waiting for anyways? Something new maybe, something different. My life is too dull, too boring.. nothing spontaneous happening. Although i say this realizing that too much happens in my life So I'll rephrase that, something spontaneous that isn't bad news. I do find it odd that I'm bored with my life. I guess I'm just so used to too much going on.

Attraction

Is it so wrong to be so used to being able to get what you want, or should I say who rather than what. It gets me so frustrated not being able to have you to myself. I wonder if its just the fact that i cant have you that draws me towards you or that I actually am very attracted, something that unlikely happens not so often in my life. I may never know.

Obsession

obsession is such an unattractive thing. I don't care what your reasons or intentions are. I don't think there's any reason good enough to become so revolved around anyone. I mean, If your trying to annoy someone; that's a hell of a way to do so, but quite affective. The usual case is someone trying to start a connection, not realizing that their impatience will simply lead to the opposite of what they're aiming for. For example: Getting to know someone. It's not something you can just do in a matter of days, let alone minutes. New people take getting used to and if you rush those things, you just become an annoyance. And well, lets face it, there's hardly a nice way of telling someone that they're just trying way too hard. I'm not sure if this would bother the average person as much as myself because I only enjoy attention to an extent. In fact, I try to avoid it in most cases; but obviously that won't always work. I wish people would think things out more often; It would benefit for themselves as well.

Rumors

I don't think its possible to understand how passionately I hate liars. I think -no; I know the world would be such a nicer place without them. I know I shouldn't let it bother me and for the most part, I don't because I know whats true, and my real friends should believe me. I was sent through hell my freshmen year because of, you know it, rumors. I worked hard at doing the right things so I wouldn't create myself a bad reputation, but the truth is I would've been treated the same bad way no matter what I had really done with my life. Do you really need to lie and hurt others to feel better about yourself? This is why i despise liars. They are self centered, rude, and ignorant human beings. They don't realize what they're doing, don't care about hurting others, and are trying to trick people into believing what is wrong. It's going to take me a long time to forgive those who've lied to or about me like this, but that's okay; Since it would take time for liars to mature and actually deserve being forgiven.

Waiting

Theres something about you, something so addictive. I haven't noticed until now, but ive had a thing for you all along. Since the day we met. Eight years of wanting you and neither of us brave enough to say a word of it. Neither of us thinking maybe we feel the same, But now I look back at all those years and see what I couldn't see before. I did have a chance with you, and I know you wanted me too. The older we grew, the more insecure we became around one another. I pushed myself away from you out of unnecesary shyness. Why am I always too late with realizing the obvious? Seeing you with her makes me sick. I can't imagine her being your type and I know something like that won't last long. I've always had so much trouble with finding the right guy, someone I can even hold interest in. And I smile when I remember all the times we spent together, how much we enjoyed being with eachother. I can't imagine ever finding a dull momment with us two together. It's never too late, what we had is still there somewhere. And hopefully I'll have the chance to find it again, but until then; I know your not going anywhere and I've been Okay all this time without you. I'll always want you, but I'm willing to wait. We'll see where life takes us.

Memory

My tears burn tonight, Blurring my vision. I havent cried this much in a while so, why now? Why are you causing me these sleepless nights? I thought this was over with. Night after night, you make me afraid to close my eyes. Can I never escape the memories of you? You make it so hard for me to even think straight anymore. Why do people keep telling me steps to take to forget you and what you've done? Why does it have to be a process? Can't I just forget you, Can't these thoughts just stop? I hate remembering anything about you, its making me sick. I couldn't imagine just one night to change the way I look at and feel about everything, but it has. I feel like there is no escaping you. Theres surely no erasing the past. How can the memories of one single person cause so much harm?

Self Conflict

I feel so lost right now, so confused ...as the cuts only get deeper and the tears that much more acidic, I don't know what to do with myself. More scars, physical and mental; This is what I've done with my life, crying every step of the way.

You idiot, you pathetic moron! All that people have done for you, all that has been given up for you, your putting it all to waste; How can you be so self centered and ungracious? How can you even live with yourself?

...I can't; I can't live like this. I need help, I know. Why must I be stuck here. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry... just please, please stop saving me.

Life's Ironic

Have you ever noticed how Ironic life is most the time? How many things there are that just don't seem right? Like how its the smart ones who go insane; The loving ones who kill themselves. We both know that's the opposite of what they would have deserved so why do they get put down like that? Why does life treat you so bad? Like the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished". People work so hard in life and get so far expecting it to all be worth it in the end. The truth is life is full of so much to grieve over, so little to love. Can you see why I don't value life?

Scars

What you do doesn't just hurt you. I'll never trust you, no matter how many reasons you give me to. You've caused me difficulty in going through life, some things that will never go away. You make me afraid of not only you, but also the people that actually deserve my trust. Ive learned to hide my fears from others, they will only take advantage of what they know.. and I try to hide them from myself as well, wondering if that's okay. Now I'm big enough to decide things for myself and I'm deciding that it is time to move on. You are dead to me, hopefully never to come back, but the things you have done will stay with me forever.