Relief

Sometimes you feel the biggest relief from the smallest object. Stress is such a huge part of life, sometimes the cause of the end. People love you, don't want you to stress life, but sometimes you just need to know you can relax, not because your
loved, but because that's what human deserve. Receiving a remark in the random gives me no room to over think and make good into bad.

"Find release from your cares, have a good time."

Thank you fortune cookie!

Lost

Ive noticed myself living everyday just to get it over with; Clearly that would mean im not enjoying much about life. Ive never really wanted to move forward either. Could that mean im afraid of change? How can I be afraid of change when things could only get better, then again.. things only ever feel like theyre getting worse. I often find myself doing both: hating the past, not able to move forward; and missing what was, not able to go back. I'm forever stuck where I dont want to be and I need to learn a way out.

Looking back

I look back at how you stared at me like i meant so much. I see the silly little games you would play just to see me laugh. I look back and wish what I saw was what it really appeared to be, but it wasn't; I was wrong... you made me a fool. It seems as if I just keep looking deeper, I'll find what I thought was always there. How can I try to see good in you when you continue to portray what is bad? Those little things dont seem so great anymore, but they were all i have ever known. To a little girl, those moments mean the world. How could you steal them out from underneath her when she least expects it? I wish I knew what it meant to have a real father that loved me just like I had imagined... but you've taken that away from me.

i wish I was more, for you. I wish I was gone, for myself.

Do you understand how badly i want to leave this world? No, you don't. More than almost anything I could possibly ever wish for. I'm not just another young girl, struggeling with lifes obstacles; I'm one of few to follow through with my emotions and do what I feel. What am I waiting for then? I'm waiting for an answer as to why, as bad as I'm craving to end my wasted life, why am I being held back from acheiving something I would consider a goal. Because I would not dare be so selfish, to think only of I and not of you. You may not know it, but you yourself are the only single living reason in this entire universe that is keeping me here. I cannot force you to deal with a loss; I cannot put you through what you will never deserve. But it hurts so bad to feel like such a disapointment, knowing it is all my fault and I will always wish I could be more for you. My hugest fear, disapointing you; someone who I know would give me the world if they had the chance. You do not, nor will ever, deserve any of this.

Too.Bad

You know just what to say to get under my skin, to make me feel my absolute worse when I already thought I did.. but why? Do you even know what you do to me, how the things you say effect me? Maybe you don't; I cant expect you to know what I don't choose to share, rather to hide instead. The people who love you most are the only one's able to hurt you the most and they do, Despite their love of course. I should have said this. I should have stopped hiding.. I didn't so I can't be mad, but can't help but be sad. It's too bad this conversation isn't real, too bad you still won't know. That's all too, too bad..

fuck the past.

This is just abunch of unclear shit running through my head, hardly worth any reading at all..

I'm an idiot for thinking everything was going to be okay, for thinking you were actually going to be with me to stay. You were so easy to be reassuring that everything was alright, what a bunch of shit that turned out to be. You should have never came back into my life. Everything happens for a reason and when we walked out of each others lives a long time ago, it should have been meant to stay like that.. You should have never knocked back on that door. I always thought things were too good to be true, too easy to have happened.. I couldn't have been more right. Regret, regret, regret... Live life without regret. This has only made me learn never to let myself get near the same situation again. I feel kinda used to tell you the truth, but that's that. I feel like I cant even live without shit going wrong, but im starting to realize thats what life is. Living through it all, Learning from it all. That doors shut.. and believe me, its locked tight.

Venting

You should really see how defensive i can be when it comes to other people attempting to involve themselves in my life. I can't tell you exactly why.. since I don't exactly know the reason myself, but I can tell you I absolutely hate when people try to "help" me with my life or "help" me improve myself; I take that as an insult whether you have good intentions or not. What bothers me the most is when people try to ..evaluate me or figure me out. Sure, I can have a certainly deep personality but I can also be very straight forward. Either way, If i wanted you to know more then you would, obvious enough.. i don't want you to, so just simply leave me alone. When dealing with this chick right here you should probably know attention is v e r y unwanted and unappreciated. Unlike most teenage girls you'll find in this world who crave all types of attention, I avoid it at all costs. I don't throw my history out on the table for everyone to jump at. If you don't know me, you don't know me.. If your not involved in my life, your simply not involved in my life.. Don't write yourself your own invitation! Yes, I am very very careful when it comes to people walking into my life. It's not that I want things to stay the same, but looking back, im reminded of my issue with things only ever getting worse, if anything. Im breathing; Im alive.. Lets just leave it at that.