Helpless

I hurt very badly right now and I'm helpless to this as well. I crave to try and solve my problem like I always do, But I cant.. out of sincerety for another, I can't bring up this matter. It breaks my heart for you to doubt me. It breaks my heart for you to betray what you portray. It breaks my heart that you mean so much to me and I feel that you just dont care. Do you even understand who I am, how I feel, what I mean? I thought you knew me as well as I of you, but instead you follow ignorance for your own bliss. I wish you knew, I wish you could see, I wish I could do something, but for you.. i am helpless.

Trapped emotions

Do you know what it's like to always have nowhere to go, no place to think or be alone? Through my eyes that feels like a requirement for each percent of the human race. You can't understand that I need my time alone, time without having to ignore the suffocation and irritation. I'm sick of holding my breath for everyone so I won't upset them or start another fight, but you don't even acknowledge my hardly bearable stress. You just keep increasing the timer so I have to hold my breath longer, while each second feels longer than the last and each breath missed hurts that much more. Im only human and I wish you would think about that instead of scolding at me for not being more.

Time

There's never enough hour's in a day, Never too little. Not enough time for what you want, but too much time within what you dont. True, is it not? Or could it be just another unclear view from one's young eyes. Everytime I find myself in a bad mood,
time is somehow.. someway related. So I hate time. I think it's the worse thing to exist that cant possibly not exist. Just looking at a clock frusterates the hell out of me and I dont have an exact reason as to why. Frequently Ill be upset that I can't fall asleep, getting up at five thirty has its deadlines.. every night. I only ever fix that by turning clocks face-down, but sometimes I cant escape it. I cant get my mind off reminding me of everything i need to do, the things ill never have enough time to do, and just hating the control time has over life... As far as I can tell... time is life.

Determination

In most cases I'm one to keep on trying until I succeed; Determination. However, I'm also a perfectionist and I crave confidence. Mix the two together and you find a Person that's determined to be perfect, No less. That's a lot to bare on your shoulder's 24 hours a day: 7 days a week, but I'm the reason its there. If I feel I'm on an imperfect path my determination will fail as well; Giving up. So add the perfect times with the failures and ill only be half way. I wish it was as simple as holding onto my determination, but determination has its requirements too. You have to want it; You have to believe it; And You have to keep hope. I'm a doubtful person.
(1.)Without confidence, I lose hope.
(2.)Without hope, i dont Believe.
(3.)I will never stop wanting, but that alone isn't enough.

"I Hate You"

Not too long ago I thought I couldn't dislike you anymore than I already did. Clearly I'm not always right, nor was I right with that thought. I'm craving to blurt out three meaningful words, but I don't know if it would be true.. as much as I feel it is right now. I'm rarely sure enough to use the term 'hate' since it's used so frequent and carelessly, but I will say you are my greatest antipathy. I dont have the ignorance to say I dont care about you deeply.. but I truly wish I didn't care about you. I care about you, not wanting to.. however, I believe that you couldn't mind me suffering my entire life waiting for death. Thinking all this make's me find you even more selfish and ignorant than I already know you are. I don't want you in my life, it's already sucky without your help as well.

Exhausted

Surely you've heard the saying 'Fight for what you want'. That's all I've ever been doing in my life.. and I'm just worn out from it. I completely understand that you have to fight to get the things and people you want in your life, but should you have to keep doing that to hold on to them as well? Is that fair? ..haha wait, stupid question.. I already know life isn't fair. I've kind of already stopped reaching for the things i want, but I have been fighting to hold onto the bit I have. So along with that I'm starting to give up on holding on too. I give up on holding onto my friends, holding onto grades, and holding onto any hope or happiness. Ah, What can I even say? I guess I'm a quitter, but why should I be something otherwise? Thing's really only ever get worse for me. When i gather my hope to keep moving on I just get slapped in the face. How many time's can you expect a person to keep doing that? Sometimes I wonder how other people would handle my life.. that maybe I'm just weak, another reason I'm disappointed in myself. I nowhere fit my standards for a human being. I wish I had reason to not be so negative.. or something to at least give me a little inspiration. I'm not an easily inspired person nor will I ever be good enough. I give up with writing this post too. That is a frequently used phrase of mine, isnt it? 'i give up'.

Enemy

I'm still my own worst enemy and I no longer care to change that. It seems that I don't deserve to change, nor do I have the will. One can see that I usually would not mind an insult.. however, it hurts to recieve one when your trying to be nothing near of rude. Who the hell am I? Why cant I just be how I want to be? I struggle to find hope for myself and see a future. The world took my and everyone Else's expectations up high, far too high for me to reach. Leaving me with no ladder to climb, no stairs to walk up on... Just the ground for me to sit on and gaze up from. I feel that I am a horrible, hideous, unstable human being. Hurting myself is strangely making it possible for others to hurt me, as well. Why is this happening? Why do I have to hurt so bad? Why must I exist? I want to disappear as I would want an enemy to. I was somehow holding on, but that excuse for thread just snapped.. now I couldn't keep trying if I wanted to.