Enemy

I'm still my own worst enemy and I no longer care to change that. It seems that I don't deserve to change, nor do I have the will. One can see that I usually would not mind an insult.. however, it hurts to recieve one when your trying to be nothing near of rude. Who the hell am I? Why cant I just be how I want to be? I struggle to find hope for myself and see a future. The world took my and everyone Else's expectations up high, far too high for me to reach. Leaving me with no ladder to climb, no stairs to walk up on... Just the ground for me to sit on and gaze up from. I feel that I am a horrible, hideous, unstable human being. Hurting myself is strangely making it possible for others to hurt me, as well. Why is this happening? Why do I have to hurt so bad? Why must I exist? I want to disappear as I would want an enemy to. I was somehow holding on, but that excuse for thread just snapped.. now I couldn't keep trying if I wanted to.

Siblings

I find it interesting for a brother and sister to have such hatred toward one another. I understand the concept of being around each other too much, but that's not necessarily my dilemma. My issue is just personality. I'm not fond of your personality at all really. We will only ever get along since that's how we were meant to be raised, but I find it impossible for me to ever enjoy you. I am protective of you, as you should be of me, but that's only because you are my blood. You are immature, self-centered, ignorant, rude, and obnoxious. You are blind to kindness and in return give grief. How do you feel no guilt with your actions? ..even I'll feel guilt with someone as selfish as you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Maybe then you will learn and lose your ignorant ways.

Hear what I say

I wish i knew how it was possible; How its possible that I totally enjoy being with you one minute, but later I'm so annoyed with your obsessive presence. With you its either 'never at all' or just 'all the time'.. and you need to understand I'm not enjoying that gesture at all. Your overall personality kind of bothers me, however you are nice ...to me at least. I cant help not enjoying constant attention. I rarely enjoy most attention at all and I'm pretty sure i told you that. Just goes to show people don't really interpret what your saying so why waste your breath? You make my speaking pointless. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to imagine the frustration that gives me, being the way i am. You never really hear what I say so dont waste my time.

Reality

Most people spend their entire lives looking for things that never have and never will exist. You would expect them to realize theyre living in a fantasy. I think you would call this hope? You'll find people searching for love, but the only time you ever see 'love' is in movies.. Then theres people who search for a doorway to a perfect life. Again, ive only ever seen such thing's in movies. Life is not perfect and life is not always what you expect it to be. Why spend your time having fictional hopes that will eventually be crushed with reality like everything else. In the long run your just hurting yourself, but isnt that what we always do? People expect too much out of life. How do you even know this universe was made for us? What make's you think we were ment to be happy? Enjoy your fantasy.. let's see how long it'll last. Im stuck in reality.

Compliments

Needless to say I often dont like myself, but this is me and i was ment to be this way. Recently ive discovered one of many causes that makes me feel the way i do. Im simply my own bully. I tell myself mean things that only make life more difficult. What better a cure than to turn those hurtful comments into compliments? No really, i need a better idea.. watch how this works out;

'Your beautiful.' -- 'Not always. Whats so great about beauty anyways? Its only skin deep and it just gets attention that you clearly cant handle.'

'Your intelligent.' -- 'What a waste of intelligence. Your life is too stressful to put the knowledge to a continuous use and your just stupid for letting it go to waste.'

'Your strong & bold.' --'its only because you have to be so you can keep moving on. Not to mention your anger issues are one of your hugest and most uncontrollable flaws.'

Hanging.On

I reluctantly bite my tongue every horrible minute of every day. Why do thing's only ever get worse and worse at an amazing pace? It's like someone is out to drive me crazy into a suicidal rage. I don't deserve this... I don't think. Just when things start to look better for a moment, as I manage to maintain an acceptable mood, bad news follows, burying me even deeper than before. All my walls have caved in and I will never be able to crawl my way out. There is no where to go from here. I'm stuck. I give up. Whoever you are, you win.. I give in. I've fought for as long as I could.. for my fifteen years to keep growing, but I don't know how much more I can take in. I've already taken my steps to the edge several times.. When will my bit of luck run out? When will I finally fall from this darkness to the end? I'm left here with no grasp on anything, barely managing to hang on. The harsh winds are blowing so aggresively, placing so much importance into my balance. The constant rain pours on top of me, weighing me down even more... I'm about to let go.

=]

Lately I've been feeling helpless and alone, even when people will attempt to convince how they care. Well, it takes time for things to sink in so I'm dedicating time to say how important those people are. In the end, They're truly what keeps me moving on. I'm not sure how or why, but when I decide to take a breather and concentrate, i always find myself remembering that my friend's are my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. A friend of mine once said "A lot of things happen to her and she doesn't deserve it". Thank you for making me feel that way and for giving me that sentence to lean back on when i need it. Simple actions and simple words make not so simple differences. I love you all so much and i'll always be here for you like you have been for me. You make difficult time's bareable and i appreciate it more than you'll ever understand. --ox

We're our own worse enemy

Earlier today I looked in the mirror with the frustration of my stressed out image. I stared with an angry daze and said "you're hideous". Out of all the people in the world, it's likely that you yourself are the one to hurt you most. When you discover your flaws it's as if receiving a rude remark except you know it's true and that it wasn't created to inflict sadness.. yet it does. It's something you would have normally ignored if it were to have been said by another. Have you ever called yourself a name? ...Ugly? ...Stupid? ...Pointless? Or maybe it would just be easier to ask who hasn't. Ive never actually noticed until now, we hurt ourselves most and this would certainly be provided by my last entry. We do find our self unimportant and that's not right.