Mom,

You put me down so often its starting to feel like that's all you ever do. Your words hurt me so bad, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm hearing them come from you; Although I already know just half of what you say is true. You think I feel sorry for myself? Well that just shows how well you know me. Sorry, mom, I'm not identical to every other teenager in this world; I have no self pity. In fact, I don't believe I could care less of myself or my feelings. But thanks for basically saying I'm full of myself, thank you. You tell me I'm pathetic, that I'm going no where in life; Thanks for the reminder. Ive always felt so sorry not to be the daughter you wanted, but the more you hurt me.. the less I begin to care. Ive always stuck around and taken in what I'd rather not because I couldn't be selfish enough to take the easy way out and leave you to deal with my failure, but the more you hurt me.. the less it seems that you would even care. I don't know why you choose to say what you do, and I dont see any benefit of it either, but I'll just let you talk even when you don't realize I'm always listening. Everything youve ever said, Ive always taken in and kept in the back of my mind. I'd love for you to read this and know the truth, but knowing you, you would just be angered with me having my probably childish opinion; so I won't waste my breath, I'll let you keep talking, and I'll keep hearing what you always feel the need to say.

Honesty and Trust

Is it so hard to do the one thing I ask for, the one thing that I know I deserve, the one thing that I always do for you without question? So since you lied about this, does that mean you lied when you said how much I mattered, how important I was to you? What did I do to deserve this... I really wish i knew. I've been honest with you twenty four hours of each and every day, thinking I would easily get your honesty in return. Your secrets I have always kept. I don't even know who you are anymore. I trusted you with my life and shared with you what I had thought a real friend would respect and keep between them self and I. I'm done giving second chances when I clearly can't trust anyone. The human race is despicable and I'm ashamed to be a part of it. If I really meant anything to you, then I guess you just made yourself a mistake. When your ready to apologize, I'll be here to hear it, but to trust you I will not. My trust has no seconds chances and you knew that, but I guess you didn't care enough to risk losing it and I guess I don't care enough to risk letting you betray it again. I really did value you as a friend and you really did mean a lot to me, but I can't handle the drama, I can't handle knowing that I can't trust, I can't handle anymore of this. I'm sorry, but you will get over all of this, probably even easier than I, as I am the one to deal with my decision, not knowing of whether it was right of me or wrong, but knowing whats done is done. For once, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and in the long run, i think things might be better this way.

Trapped

Now I'm on my hands and knees begging for a way out, wondering why I was put into existence here in this world that I've come to hate so much. How can one find life so beautiful? Once your in, your stuck. One might think its as easy as finding your way out, but that just faults you with hurting others who care about you. How could you possibly do that with those constant guilty thoughts running through your mind? You don't understand how guilty I already feel by just wanting to die. I see life as something I need to get over with, which I cant even bear anymore. I see no future, nor do I even want to as I hate the past and present. How could things possibly ever change? I'm sick of feeling this way; it hurts so bad, but there's nothing I can do. These painful feelings will never go away; and I'm never going to be okay.

irremediable

It takes a lot for me to love; So much time, trust, and so much more courage. Every time I've given my heart away Ive gotten it back in pieces. You can only glue something back together so many times before your realize its just one of those things that won't stay together, something irremediable. The only time you'll be okay is when you forget what it's like to love and you can only imagine how long it would take to forget an emotion so tenacious and powerful. Love always seems so divine; It never ends as well, but always does end, leaving that agitating empty space within. I wish I could have the power to forget, but memory is what brings you to your future so remember to learn from your past and appreciate the fact that you now know.

Escape

Keep drinking your problems away until you cant even remember just one; Going off into your fantasy where anything is possible; Smoking your nerves numb so the pain can't be felt for a while. This is my escape from the real world. I'm sick of breathing in this air and dealing with all these people. Take notice that I say dealing with rather than enjoying. I can't even say I have a life anymore, Its revolved around school and then that leaves just enough time for daily chores and the irritating reminder of why I hate existing. I'm not saying I've got it extremely bad, although i have had a series of unfortunate events; We all have our downs, but ups or downs.. my opinion on life remains the same. Pointless. I'm stuck on the "We live, We die" point of view. I pretty much think life screws us all over numerous amounts of times and once your dead, well... thats it. I'm starting to find that a spirtitual after life would be just to hopeful of a thought. But remaining here, I struggle to deal with what im given with the crave of an escape always in my mind.

Tomorrow

I always see myself waiting for tomorrow and trying to get my day over with, not knowing of what's to come, but having hope that it will bring something good; A never ending chain of hope for tomorrow. When will the tomorrow i'm looking for come.. Or will it at all? What exactly am I even waiting for anyways? Something new maybe, something different. My life is too dull, too boring.. nothing spontaneous happening. Although i say this realizing that too much happens in my life So I'll rephrase that, something spontaneous that isn't bad news. I do find it odd that I'm bored with my life. I guess I'm just so used to too much going on.

Attraction

Is it so wrong to be so used to being able to get what you want, or should I say who rather than what. It gets me so frustrated not being able to have you to myself. I wonder if its just the fact that i cant have you that draws me towards you or that I actually am very attracted, something that unlikely happens not so often in my life. I may never know.

Obsession

obsession is such an unattractive thing. I don't care what your reasons or intentions are. I don't think there's any reason good enough to become so revolved around anyone. I mean, If your trying to annoy someone; that's a hell of a way to do so, but quite affective. The usual case is someone trying to start a connection, not realizing that their impatience will simply lead to the opposite of what they're aiming for. For example: Getting to know someone. It's not something you can just do in a matter of days, let alone minutes. New people take getting used to and if you rush those things, you just become an annoyance. And well, lets face it, there's hardly a nice way of telling someone that they're just trying way too hard. I'm not sure if this would bother the average person as much as myself because I only enjoy attention to an extent. In fact, I try to avoid it in most cases; but obviously that won't always work. I wish people would think things out more often; It would benefit for themselves as well.

Rumors

I don't think its possible to understand how passionately I hate liars. I think -no; I know the world would be such a nicer place without them. I know I shouldn't let it bother me and for the most part, I don't because I know whats true, and my real friends should believe me. I was sent through hell my freshmen year because of, you know it, rumors. I worked hard at doing the right things so I wouldn't create myself a bad reputation, but the truth is I would've been treated the same bad way no matter what I had really done with my life. Do you really need to lie and hurt others to feel better about yourself? This is why i despise liars. They are self centered, rude, and ignorant human beings. They don't realize what they're doing, don't care about hurting others, and are trying to trick people into believing what is wrong. It's going to take me a long time to forgive those who've lied to or about me like this, but that's okay; Since it would take time for liars to mature and actually deserve being forgiven.

Waiting

Theres something about you, something so addictive. I haven't noticed until now, but ive had a thing for you all along. Since the day we met. Eight years of wanting you and neither of us brave enough to say a word of it. Neither of us thinking maybe we feel the same, But now I look back at all those years and see what I couldn't see before. I did have a chance with you, and I know you wanted me too. The older we grew, the more insecure we became around one another. I pushed myself away from you out of unnecesary shyness. Why am I always too late with realizing the obvious? Seeing you with her makes me sick. I can't imagine her being your type and I know something like that won't last long. I've always had so much trouble with finding the right guy, someone I can even hold interest in. And I smile when I remember all the times we spent together, how much we enjoyed being with eachother. I can't imagine ever finding a dull momment with us two together. It's never too late, what we had is still there somewhere. And hopefully I'll have the chance to find it again, but until then; I know your not going anywhere and I've been Okay all this time without you. I'll always want you, but I'm willing to wait. We'll see where life takes us.

Memory

My tears burn tonight, Blurring my vision. I havent cried this much in a while so, why now? Why are you causing me these sleepless nights? I thought this was over with. Night after night, you make me afraid to close my eyes. Can I never escape the memories of you? You make it so hard for me to even think straight anymore. Why do people keep telling me steps to take to forget you and what you've done? Why does it have to be a process? Can't I just forget you, Can't these thoughts just stop? I hate remembering anything about you, its making me sick. I couldn't imagine just one night to change the way I look at and feel about everything, but it has. I feel like there is no escaping you. Theres surely no erasing the past. How can the memories of one single person cause so much harm?

Self Conflict

I feel so lost right now, so confused ...as the cuts only get deeper and the tears that much more acidic, I don't know what to do with myself. More scars, physical and mental; This is what I've done with my life, crying every step of the way.

You idiot, you pathetic moron! All that people have done for you, all that has been given up for you, your putting it all to waste; How can you be so self centered and ungracious? How can you even live with yourself?

...I can't; I can't live like this. I need help, I know. Why must I be stuck here. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry... just please, please stop saving me.

Life's Ironic

Have you ever noticed how Ironic life is most the time? How many things there are that just don't seem right? Like how its the smart ones who go insane; The loving ones who kill themselves. We both know that's the opposite of what they would have deserved so why do they get put down like that? Why does life treat you so bad? Like the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished". People work so hard in life and get so far expecting it to all be worth it in the end. The truth is life is full of so much to grieve over, so little to love. Can you see why I don't value life?

Scars

What you do doesn't just hurt you. I'll never trust you, no matter how many reasons you give me to. You've caused me difficulty in going through life, some things that will never go away. You make me afraid of not only you, but also the people that actually deserve my trust. Ive learned to hide my fears from others, they will only take advantage of what they know.. and I try to hide them from myself as well, wondering if that's okay. Now I'm big enough to decide things for myself and I'm deciding that it is time to move on. You are dead to me, hopefully never to come back, but the things you have done will stay with me forever.

Relief

Sometimes you feel the biggest relief from the smallest object. Stress is such a huge part of life, sometimes the cause of the end. People love you, don't want you to stress life, but sometimes you just need to know you can relax, not because your
loved, but because that's what human deserve. Receiving a remark in the random gives me no room to over think and make good into bad.

"Find release from your cares, have a good time."

Thank you fortune cookie!

Lost

Ive noticed myself living everyday just to get it over with; Clearly that would mean im not enjoying much about life. Ive never really wanted to move forward either. Could that mean im afraid of change? How can I be afraid of change when things could only get better, then again.. things only ever feel like theyre getting worse. I often find myself doing both: hating the past, not able to move forward; and missing what was, not able to go back. I'm forever stuck where I dont want to be and I need to learn a way out.

Looking back

I look back at how you stared at me like i meant so much. I see the silly little games you would play just to see me laugh. I look back and wish what I saw was what it really appeared to be, but it wasn't; I was wrong... you made me a fool. It seems as if I just keep looking deeper, I'll find what I thought was always there. How can I try to see good in you when you continue to portray what is bad? Those little things dont seem so great anymore, but they were all i have ever known. To a little girl, those moments mean the world. How could you steal them out from underneath her when she least expects it? I wish I knew what it meant to have a real father that loved me just like I had imagined... but you've taken that away from me.

i wish I was more, for you. I wish I was gone, for myself.

Do you understand how badly i want to leave this world? No, you don't. More than almost anything I could possibly ever wish for. I'm not just another young girl, struggeling with lifes obstacles; I'm one of few to follow through with my emotions and do what I feel. What am I waiting for then? I'm waiting for an answer as to why, as bad as I'm craving to end my wasted life, why am I being held back from acheiving something I would consider a goal. Because I would not dare be so selfish, to think only of I and not of you. You may not know it, but you yourself are the only single living reason in this entire universe that is keeping me here. I cannot force you to deal with a loss; I cannot put you through what you will never deserve. But it hurts so bad to feel like such a disapointment, knowing it is all my fault and I will always wish I could be more for you. My hugest fear, disapointing you; someone who I know would give me the world if they had the chance. You do not, nor will ever, deserve any of this.

Too.Bad

You know just what to say to get under my skin, to make me feel my absolute worse when I already thought I did.. but why? Do you even know what you do to me, how the things you say effect me? Maybe you don't; I cant expect you to know what I don't choose to share, rather to hide instead. The people who love you most are the only one's able to hurt you the most and they do, Despite their love of course. I should have said this. I should have stopped hiding.. I didn't so I can't be mad, but can't help but be sad. It's too bad this conversation isn't real, too bad you still won't know. That's all too, too bad..

fuck the past.

This is just abunch of unclear shit running through my head, hardly worth any reading at all..

I'm an idiot for thinking everything was going to be okay, for thinking you were actually going to be with me to stay. You were so easy to be reassuring that everything was alright, what a bunch of shit that turned out to be. You should have never came back into my life. Everything happens for a reason and when we walked out of each others lives a long time ago, it should have been meant to stay like that.. You should have never knocked back on that door. I always thought things were too good to be true, too easy to have happened.. I couldn't have been more right. Regret, regret, regret... Live life without regret. This has only made me learn never to let myself get near the same situation again. I feel kinda used to tell you the truth, but that's that. I feel like I cant even live without shit going wrong, but im starting to realize thats what life is. Living through it all, Learning from it all. That doors shut.. and believe me, its locked tight.

Venting

You should really see how defensive i can be when it comes to other people attempting to involve themselves in my life. I can't tell you exactly why.. since I don't exactly know the reason myself, but I can tell you I absolutely hate when people try to "help" me with my life or "help" me improve myself; I take that as an insult whether you have good intentions or not. What bothers me the most is when people try to ..evaluate me or figure me out. Sure, I can have a certainly deep personality but I can also be very straight forward. Either way, If i wanted you to know more then you would, obvious enough.. i don't want you to, so just simply leave me alone. When dealing with this chick right here you should probably know attention is v e r y unwanted and unappreciated. Unlike most teenage girls you'll find in this world who crave all types of attention, I avoid it at all costs. I don't throw my history out on the table for everyone to jump at. If you don't know me, you don't know me.. If your not involved in my life, your simply not involved in my life.. Don't write yourself your own invitation! Yes, I am very very careful when it comes to people walking into my life. It's not that I want things to stay the same, but looking back, im reminded of my issue with things only ever getting worse, if anything. Im breathing; Im alive.. Lets just leave it at that.

Helpless

I hurt very badly right now and I'm helpless to this as well. I crave to try and solve my problem like I always do, But I cant.. out of sincerety for another, I can't bring up this matter. It breaks my heart for you to doubt me. It breaks my heart for you to betray what you portray. It breaks my heart that you mean so much to me and I feel that you just dont care. Do you even understand who I am, how I feel, what I mean? I thought you knew me as well as I of you, but instead you follow ignorance for your own bliss. I wish you knew, I wish you could see, I wish I could do something, but for you.. i am helpless.

Trapped emotions

Do you know what it's like to always have nowhere to go, no place to think or be alone? Through my eyes that feels like a requirement for each percent of the human race. You can't understand that I need my time alone, time without having to ignore the suffocation and irritation. I'm sick of holding my breath for everyone so I won't upset them or start another fight, but you don't even acknowledge my hardly bearable stress. You just keep increasing the timer so I have to hold my breath longer, while each second feels longer than the last and each breath missed hurts that much more. Im only human and I wish you would think about that instead of scolding at me for not being more.