Looking back

I look back at how you stared at me like i meant so much. I see the silly little games you would play just to see me laugh. I look back and wish what I saw was what it really appeared to be, but it wasn't; I was wrong... you made me a fool. It seems as if I just keep looking deeper, I'll find what I thought was always there. How can I try to see good in you when you continue to portray what is bad? Those little things dont seem so great anymore, but they were all i have ever known. To a little girl, those moments mean the world. How could you steal them out from underneath her when she least expects it? I wish I knew what it meant to have a real father that loved me just like I had imagined... but you've taken that away from me.

i wish I was more, for you. I wish I was gone, for myself.

Do you understand how badly i want to leave this world? No, you don't. More than almost anything I could possibly ever wish for. I'm not just another young girl, struggeling with lifes obstacles; I'm one of few to follow through with my emotions and do what I feel. What am I waiting for then? I'm waiting for an answer as to why, as bad as I'm craving to end my wasted life, why am I being held back from acheiving something I would consider a goal. Because I would not dare be so selfish, to think only of I and not of you. You may not know it, but you yourself are the only single living reason in this entire universe that is keeping me here. I cannot force you to deal with a loss; I cannot put you through what you will never deserve. But it hurts so bad to feel like such a disapointment, knowing it is all my fault and I will always wish I could be more for you. My hugest fear, disapointing you; someone who I know would give me the world if they had the chance. You do not, nor will ever, deserve any of this.

Too.Bad

You know just what to say to get under my skin, to make me feel my absolute worse when I already thought I did.. but why? Do you even know what you do to me, how the things you say effect me? Maybe you don't; I cant expect you to know what I don't choose to share, rather to hide instead. The people who love you most are the only one's able to hurt you the most and they do, Despite their love of course. I should have said this. I should have stopped hiding.. I didn't so I can't be mad, but can't help but be sad. It's too bad this conversation isn't real, too bad you still won't know. That's all too, too bad..